On being a victim

This post has a trigger and TMI warning for childhood sexual abuse.

Keep reading after the jump if you want to.

I would like to warn any friends who read this that this contains some very personal information that you might have preferred not to have found out.

I wrote this over a period from June 2012-now, which is why it's so long.

The broken refrigerator and its application to triggers

This entry was written after my first day of "therapy", but published well afterwards.

The counselling session opened with mindfulness meditation. (I mentioned I was nervous, he suggested we do a meditation/breathing exercise to get me calmer). That took me by surprise. It was just like Sam Harris' one from the Global Atheist Convention 2012, so I felt a little less weird about it since I'd had experience with that sort of thing before.

I noticed one interesting thing that my counsellor said that I could really relate to as a polyamorist.

He said, "Often when we feel negative emotions our immediate reaction is to run away from them or avoid them. But we would really benefit from looking at the emotions, or confronting them in some way and examining the reasons behind them. It's often just your body and mind trying to warn you about a threat, but in reality there's no threat there."

I almost said to him, "that sounds just like the broken refrigerator analogy for polyamory!". 

But I didn't. I wrote this blog post instead.

It's a cultural thing, okay?

Atheism and Christmas time is a theme that's been done to death, but in all my time I haven't really seen much on a topic near and dear to my heart: the nativity scene.

A nativity scene is about the most religious Christmas decoration you could imagine - small ceramic figures of  Jesus, Mary, Joseph, the wise men and farm animals. It's the first thing you'd expect an atheist family to cast aside.

When I was a kid, my family had a nativity scene. A real basic one - the holy family and some animals. It was without a doubt my absolute favourite part of christmas. I'd set it out and arrange the figures with much joy.

When I went to France at the end of year 11, I had the opportunity to stay in Provence, a region that has an amazing custom of the crèche - a nativity scene that is of such a scale that it extends to incorporate the entire city of Bethlehem. Most families have one with a few dozen pieces; some churches or shopping centres would have ones with hundreds. My host mother had quite a few pieces and we even went on a trip to Frejus so she could visit a market and pick up a new figure or two.

My host mother's creche! Isn't it pretty? (click to see full size)

Remembering my childhood fascinations, I was fascinated with them and was almost going to buy a few figures until I saw the ones at the market cost several euros each (boo!).

A few days ago, amid very droll observations of the presence of Christmas stuff in the stores in August, I thought to myself, "me and Mr Wrong need to buy a christmas tree in the after christmas sales so we have one next year". Then I remembered the nativity scene thing, and all the stuff it meant to me and reminded me of and how "cool" it was.

So you know what I did? I bought one. A legitimate provençale set that's going to be shipped from France with about a dozen pieces.

And you know what? I like the tradition. So I'm going to continue it, religious baggage be damned!

I'd like to hear other peoples' opinions on this. What religious customs are you keeping that perhaps you shouldn't? What customs do you miss?

Relationships that can't last aren't such a problem in polyamory

Often, you see on dating advice columns or similar people asking for advice about their current relationships. They have a partner who they love a great deal and have a nice relationship with, but for some reason or other there's a point of incompatibility that, whilst small, is insurmountable. I often see this on reddit where a girl is childfree but her boyfriend wants kids, or a guy is fiscally responsible but his boyfriend throws money around on designer shoes, and many other examples.

In these situations, the sage dispensing their valuable advise will invariably say something along the lines of "You need to break up. I know it's going to be hard, I know you don't want to do this, but you can't stay together so it's best to get it over with."

This seems to stem in some way on the monogamous need to find "the one" - any time you're spending with this "dead end" partner is time you could be searching for "the one". In polyamory, you can date partners who "aren't marriage material" whilst still being able to date partners who are.

I can relate to this situation. Mr Wonderful is just such a partner; he's super important to me right now and my world revolves around him and I want to spend every minute I can snuggled into his shoulder, but I know on a deeper level that we're not compatible at this stage in our lives. (Maybe in 5 years that will change; who knows). I know that if I was monogamous, I would be seriously considering ending things with him because it would be the right long-term strategy so I could go find my prince charming.

But I am so, so happy that I'm not monogamous because I'm not ready to say goodbye to Mr Wonderful.

I might never be.

But I'm also not ready to marry him in the foreseeable future. And there's no problem with that.

The things society lets us get away with

Yesterday I got to help out at a science fair as one of the judges. It was a pretty cool experience, ranging from seeing the kids who really didn't give a shit (as was to be expected) to the kids who had done awesome experiments and obviously put a lot of effort into their data and its presentation.

The highlight for me was a poster detailing one student's quest to find out how to store coke to prevent it going flat; refrigerated or not and with the lid on or not. As a heavy drinker of pepsi (I am trying to cut back, I swear!) I could really relate to this. Other honourable mentions include comparing different types of diet drink in how they react to mentos and the really dedicated group that grew three plants, feeding them monster energy drink, powerade (it's got electrolytes! they're what plants crave!), or water and measuring the plant height every day.

After the judging was over, the school invited us into the staff room for a cup of tea and a biscuit. I walked in, all smiles, and was greeted by a middle-aged teacher who was sitting at the table eating his lunch.

The following exchange occurs:

Him: You can't be an engineer! (smiling, joking way)
Me: Why? (expecting a comment about my age, funnily enough)
Him: You're a woman! Women are meant to be at home cooking dinner. (again, clearly a joke and meaning nothing by it)
Me: Dude, that's not funny, not even as a joke.

I am really proud of myself for saying something back, even if he got a little bit offended by my reaction. He made some justificationy comments like "I'm not a sexist, my sister in law is an engineer and when she was presenting to some businessmen in Dubai they mistook her for the tea lady and asked her to bring them coffee".

But seriously, you might think my reaction was a bit much, but imagine someone saying something like that to a black man. Doesn't that just horrify you and make you super uncomfortable, thinking about someone joking that a black engineer shouldn't be engineering but shining shoes or picking cotton or whatever the racism is?

Why the hell does our society let people make comments like that about women?

Oh, and the best thing? He was the home economics teacher.

Disengage!

I hate being in the closet.

Yeah, there's a polyamory closet. Parents, work colleagues, and friends don't necessarily take kindly to hearing their son's girlfriend has a guy on the side.

Me and Mr Wrong came out of the closet together around November 2011. This was pretty early into being poly; I made a post on the subject. In the intervening six months, my mother hasn't gotten more positive and isn't quite sure how she feels about us being engaged if we're not going to be "committed" to one another. (Being committed and being exclusive are, of course, two very different things!)

Mr Oldman sort-of-but-not-really came out to his Mum in January. He told her that his new girlfriend (me!) was dating someone else as well; in my mind, he communicated that I was casually dating two guys and would eventually "choose" one of them. He properly came out to his sister (in detail) more recently. He was speaking of coming out to his mother in more detail soon, which has made me really happy.

I hate the closet. I hate "being dishonest". Having dinner with Mr Oldman's parents while we were dating was really stressful for me - I felt like I was walking on eggshells. I keep on having to dance around the fact that I live with a guy I'm desperately in love with. Before I go to see them, I have to "disengage" - take off my ring. I don't like lying. I can't do it.

Strangely enough, I once encouraged Mr Wonderful to give the closet a go. He was having to choose between me and another girl, and was worried that the Other Girl's parents wouldn't approve of him having two girlfriends. I told him "the closet was invented for people like you" and pontificated on the benefits of introducing the Other Girl to his parents whilst keeping me his secret on the side. I think I proposed this partially because I knew the Other Girl wasn't poly inclined (so it would never happen), and I would have been okay with it because I wouldn't be the one lying to Mr Wonderful's parents. Plus, a stressful relationship filled with lies is better than no relationship at all.

Of course, Mr Wonderful hates lying even more than I do (he told me to swear never to tell his sister about us; within a fortnight he'd told her on his own), so it wasn't really an option for him.

But I really don't understand how so many poly people think the closet is acceptable in the long-term. I read about many triads who are outwardly a "couple" with a "roommate". Do these people really want to hide their loving, multiple-year relationships from the world? How can they do it, when I couldn't stand hiding my (at the time) ordinary, two-month relationship from my parents?

Platonic Sex

I found this in my archives and saw that I never posted it. Rather than let it linger, I think it should be published for the world to see.

This was written in February/March 2012.

This all remains pretty accurate. I never developed feelings for 3; I certainly give partial credit to the rules we made, though our desire to ensure that no feelings came of it probably had a greater impact.
------
So, it turns out an FWB arrangement can work; at least for a little while.

It's still surprisingly early days. Because of things we won't get into, we've been physically intimate less than half a dozen times, so there's certainly a possibility that in a few months time there'll be another post that will make me eat these words.

I'm impressed by how well my brain is compartmentalising the arrangement. I was actually rather worried that it wouldn't; that the stories would be true and I'd begin to feel those pesky emotions I've heard so much about, but no.

I still fantasize sexually, of course. The object of my fantasy varies depending on the day and the act I'm fantasising about, and 3 is very much in the rotation. But I'm very detached, emotionally speaking. The feelings of romance and affection I feel for my boyfriends Mr Wrong and Mr Oldman are very strong when I think about them and especially so in sexual situations; not so with 3.

I remember once when I was waiting to see 3 for some planned intimacy. I remember worrying because I didn't feel like being intimate with him; I wasn't looking forward to it. I hoped that when the situation became sexual it would work out; and it did.

I don't quite know what I'm trying to say here. I guess it's that in a sexual context (in bed, undressed) I find 3 irressistable, but seeing him in a non-sexual context (even shirtless for swimming, say) does nothing for me.

I guess I'm just impressed my mind can be so detached from the whole thing. The media has always made it clear that such detachment is at best difficult and at worst impossible, but it's not been our experience.

I should also mention that the sex is very interesting because it's completely detached and platonic - we'll be hanging out as friends in bed, kissing and touching, laughing and joking, without any of the warm emotions that I have with Mr Wrong and Mr Oldman. I still have a great time with 3, but it's so very different.

I wish that I had words to describe it beyond "platonic", because apparently by definition the act of sex can't be "platonic" (which is defined as: Intimate and affectionate but not sexual.). But oh well - when I use a word, it means just what I choose it to mean - neither more nor less.

Positive Tales: Coming Out

When I met Alice, she was presenting as male - the gender she was assigned at birth. She was a pretty cool lady, and I quickly found out that she identified as bigender and would sometimes wear women's clothing. I was fascinated because gender is something I'm really interested in and I'm always happy to learn and discuss things on that theme. I'd gotten a few inklings that maybe she was still questioning her gender issues from things she'd said.

Then the other day she came out on facebook, telling everyone she is a trans woman and letting everyone know her preferred name and politely saying "if you could start using my new name and pronouns, that would be nice, no rush, and I won't yell if you screw up because it's a big change".

Her post coming out has been "liked" by 60 people - about half her facebook friends (and given many people have a lot of distant fb friends who don't read posts, etc, I feel that is super cool). The post was full of messages of love and support from everyone.

Then we were at a party last night, and she showed up looking bitchin' in a dress and tights and one of those 3/4 jumper things that I could never pull off. She looked gorgeous - Mr Wrong actually whispered to me in all seirousness that she was the most attractive girl at the party.

The thing that really fucking warmed my heart though was that almost everyone there, a scant few days after the announcement, were using the name "Alice" and using the female pronouns. It was obviously a source of respectful, curious discussion but there were just as many people giving her speeches about how proud they are of her for coming out and all that sort of thing. If you were there you would have felt all the love and support emanating from the group of people for Alice. And that was pretty cool.

Today, Alice is going to come out to her parents. I hope it goes well, and if the last couple of days have been any indication I don't see why it wouldn't.

Don't imagine I'm too familiar

I was recently at the "Is Life Meaningless?" debate held between the UWA Christian Union and the UWA Atheist and Skeptic Society.

I'm going to completely gloss over the entire point of the debate to bring up something I noticed that I thought was interesting -

The two debaters were named Ben and Daniel. Most people who know Daniel are aware that he prefers not to be called "Dan".

However, Ben would always refer to him by that name. Every time he said "Dan" I sort of cringed a little.

The cynic in me wants to say that Ben wanted to look familiar or friendly towards Daniel by using the shortened form of the name, and the irony was that by using it he was showing anyone who knew Daniel that he barely knew Daniel at all.



Incidentally, Daniel has a far better blog than mine, so if you don't already read it please do. You can find it at http://goodreasonblog.blogspot.com.au/

Love and choice

Johnny Depp - if you really did say that - if only you knew. If only you knew.

Here's my take on it:

"Loving two people at the same time means there are two people  who will spend time with you, smile at you, and give you support; in turn, you can provide these things for two people you love."

Or, more snidely:

"If you love two of your children at the same time, put your first one up for adoption. Because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn't have wanted to have the second."

The State of the State's Freethought Clubs

Recently, I had the pleasure of joining the movers and shakers of WA's student clubs at a lovely dinner at a Vietnamese restaurant in Northbridge.

I am currently the co-ordinator for the university clubs in WA, so I tried to get the discussion going and make sure the clubs were able to support each other and share resources.

Here is what we found out:

UWA Atheist & Skeptic Society (UASS)
This is my former club and also, coincidentally, the oldest and most successful of WA's clubs. We have always enjoyed a good relationship with our Christian Union - even though we disagree on some fundamental issues, they've always treated us well and it's important to me that this relationship continue as, being a larger club, they have many resources that we don't. I made sure the vice president was aware of the good history that she's going to be trading on. They're planning on having a debate in the first four weeks of semester, but the exact format hasn't been agreed on.

We're also hoping to hold a skepticamp. It is being run mostly by people from the Perth Atheist/Skeptic community with some support from UASS members. UASS is able to provide the venue.

UASS is hoping to run a "Devangalisation" campaign, with a debaptism with unholy water. They're considering handing out a post de-baptism care package containing essentials for the seven deadly sins (e.g. a small mirror, a condom, chocolate...). Additionally, there are many myths about the bible and its contents that might be interesting to discuss in a formal talk.

The "Atheists in the cafe" meetings are going well and are well attended by first year students. The "Atheist in the tav" meetings are not as well attended by any stretch. This interested me because in the past the situation has been reversed.

UASS has two great poster guys (both named Daniel!) - should seek to provide these posters as a resource to other clubs. To discuss with FSA how to go about doing this.

Murdoch Atheist and Agnostic Students Society (MAASS)

MAASS has started in earnest this year and are looking to do a great job under their current unleadership; they've bought some badges from cafepress and are having success selling them. They have a stand every Thursday with about 5 regulars. Their relationship with their Christian Union is not as good as UASS; that's something they might want to work towards improving. They might have a debate with them in the future; if that's going to happen it might be a good idea to practice working through some more common arguments since the religious folk tend to have a lot of practice discussing and defending their beliefs.

ECU Atheist Society (EAS?)
Kylie is running a one man show more or less; she's hoping to advertise and attract more members to provide support etc. She's making connections with staff members - very useful.

Freethought Student Alliance
The FSA is offering mid year packs - all the WA clubs definitely want some! ECU is probably most in need though due to its lack of membership; at the same time, its lack of membership means it might not have anything it can DO with the pack.

A little poly-hack I figured out...

Recently, me and Mr Wonderful have been able to go to bed together on weeknights while Mr Wrong hung out with our roommate. (Understandably, Mr Wrong doesn't want to be left bored and lonely by himself so I can sleep with Mr Wonderful).

However, our roommate is moving out so no longer will Mr Wrong have company. This made me sad, as I was left with the choice of not bedding Mr Wonderful nearly as often as I would like (bad), or leaving Mr Wrong to be bored and perhaps a little uncomfortable at the noises he heard coming from a nearby bedroom (also bad).

So I came up with a nice workaround - to take advantage of the fact that I won't be able to seduce Mr Wonderful by teasing him on those days, but not going to bed with him. I let him know my plans in that regard, and his response was to express a desire to be so dashingly sexy that he would seduce me despite my plans.

It will make our planned "date night" so much more satisfying after that much build up, whilst keeping Mr Wrong from getting too lonely in the meantime. Win-win-win!

This has taught me to look for opportunities in the restrictions that polyamory inevitably puts on your love life.

Steve Irons

Steve Irons, the liberal party member for Swan, is quoted as saying:

“Gay marriage supporters want us to rewrite the Bible.”

No, Steve: I don't want to rewrite the bible for its attitude towards gay marriage any more than I want to rewrite Heart of Darkness for its attitudes towards Africans.

You can keep your book with all the same words in it, honestly. I don't give a damn.

New World of Darkness... IN SPACE!

I recently GMed a session of New World of Darkness... IN SPACE!

It was for a bunch of new friends and one old friend who I'd never GMed for before. I love GMing, I've run a couple of games, but being human I'm often doubting my abilities.

I'd been building this session up and talking about it a bit - mentioning it, saying it was fun, trying to organise a time for it to occur, etc. I was worried it wouldn't live up to the expectations. In fact, right beforehand, I was super nervous that nobody would enjoy it because there wouldn't be enough direction, it would stall, and I'd make a bad impression.

Strangely enough, when you're GMing, it's really easy to read a room and know whether your players are having a good time or not. It stalls when people aren't quite sure what to do, aren't attached to their characters, aren't attached to the story, too busy redditing or playing LoL to pay attention, whatever.

But sometimes, it works well and everyone is like a well-oiled machine. You can see people having fun, making quips, and getting into the story. This was one of those times - even though the characters were pre-made.

Here's what I learned:

• The story really doesn't have to be complicated. It was a simple storyline, which made it easier because the players didn't have to keep track of much.
• You can have tension/horror (cannibalism) and humour (everybody's dead, dave) in the same story and it can still work. 
• In past games, when players got distracted on their laptops, I should have both been firmer with them and made a better effort to entertain them.
• I'm better at improvising than I thought (and, being arrogant, I thought I was pretty good before).
• Corollary: I come up with lots of ideas (space manatees!) DURING sessions. As such, re-running games with a fresh set of players is something I should do more often.
• Given there were two NPCs I really should have spent 10 minutes making each of them a full character sheet.
• It's important to accelerate things so that way the game can be finished before it's time for everyone to go home.
• Players will often help with this.

After that experience I'm seriously considering running a new campaign of my own, perhaps a short one (say, 6 sessions) with some clear goals. Based on what I've learned, I'm also considering streamlining and re-running an old campaign (or at least reusing its premise). 

Triggering dysphoria

Dysphoria is a concept well-known in the trans* community; essentially, it's the feeling that your body is wrong and those primary or secondary sexual characteristics are not part of you. It's very unpleasant to say the least.

I'm a cis girl (meaning, at birth they assigned me the gender of "female" and I am cool with that), so I haven't had occaision to feel it properly or in the constant, background-levels way that trans* people must feel it weighing on them at times.

I think I've managed to cultivate a feeling of dysphoria once or twice for a few seconds at a time which has led me to perhaps have some tiny twinge of understanding of what trans folks must go through every day.

I imagined being a man. Not in the "Awesome I can pee standing up and get all the jobs and not have periods and get paid more for the same jobs!" sort of way; in the way where everyone looks at me and calls me "sir", where my self is inside a big, hairy male body and everyone sees this as 'me' and just... accepts it. Where you go shopping and you buy pants and a button up shirt or t-shirt. Where you have a flat, masculine chest and a penis. Imagine actually HAVING a penis. Something growing out of your crotch, all... soft and bulbous. Imagine having to touch it and use it each time you go to the bathroom. Really imagine it and bring these feelings to the forefront of your mind. Focus on them.

The other way I did it was by buying a chest binder (something many men wear to hide their breasts). The first time I wore it and dressed in men's clothing and looked in the mirror it felt so... wrong on a fundamental level.

If you really concentrate on it, the feeling is HORRIBLE. I won't pretend to know or guess whether it emulates the trans experience, but it can definitely affect you.

101 Reasons to Be Abstinent

On facebook, I found a reference to a pamphlet entitled "101 reasons to be abstinent" and I managed to track it down and find an online copy of the majority of the pamphlet. It was... interesting to say the least.

I felt like it deserved a thorough response (OK, rant...), so here we go.

60 is a LOT of reasons, though. I didn't even realise. Thank fuck I don't have the full 101 to contend with. So my coverage gets a lot less in-depth as time goes on, since my other option was to break it down into posts with sets of 10, or organise them by category, and I'm not sure if people are actually all that concerned about these things.

Moving out of a small mental apartment

When you live in a tiny apartment, you get used to it and you don't notice how cramped and restricted you are when you don't have much space to move in.

When you move into a bigger house, or go into a huge room, you get this feeling of expansion and freedom.

I think my head may have been like that. It was all small and cramped but I didn't notice. Now all of a sudden, I feel like it's a big, open room.

And I wonder how I didn't notice how small and cramped it was earlier.

A Modest Proposal §2

For some reason, I was in a bad mood that night. Like, a really shitty mood. I was yelling and angry for no reason, bailed out on attending a party at the last minute, and all-around acted like a shitty girlfriend thanks, in no small part, to Mr Wrong deciding to get a kebab.

Yes, really. (Mr Wrong says: "To be fair, that was an awesome kebab").

All of a sudden, at the McDonald's in Innaloo, I realised that Mr Wrong puts up with bullshit like that from me far more often than he should, and far more patiently than he should. Again, things crystallised in my mind. I texted Mr Oldman and Miss Prism to let them know my plan - they both freaked out - and all of a sudden I was in a good mood.

I told Mr Wrong that we should take a walk together instead of going to the party. Went to Hillarys Marina. We went there a lot when we first started dating - in fact, our first date was held at a stall selling magnetic jewellery that we wanted to ask questions about. A fitting start to a skeptical powercouple, I guess?

I parked the car near a park and we sat on some swings and talked and hung out. Then we walked up the hill to a lookout.

The view from the lookout during the day. 

It has a nice view during the day, and it was on that very lookout that we kissed for the first time. I was super nervous at the time and couldn't stop giggling. This time, I was nervous but not giggling.

We sat on the table and Mr Wrong, ever the musician, started experimenting with the noises that the table made when he punched it. I started talking about the story Miss Prism told me about her breakup and it made me think about how much I need him in my life, and how I felt about him, and all the rest. I told him I loved him. And then I said those fateful words: "I guess what I'm trying to say is," (gets down on one knee, grabs his hands) "Will you marry me?"

An imperceptible pause and he says yes, professes his disbelief, and hugs and kisses follow. A bit of giggling too, I'd bet. 

Then we walked down that dark, twisty path and I slipped on some gravel. I got right back up and more giggling was had. We held hands and hugged like the little schoolgirls we are.

The path to the lookout! Much scarier at night, much darker! ooooo, spooky!

Then, Mr Wrong says "we should go to that party we skipped and tell everyone!" and I respond with a wholehearted "HELLS YES" and off we go for a 30 minute drive back to that party. We play some romantic music, including our song - Chloroform Girl by Polkadot Cadaver.

A Modest Proposal §1

On the 12th of May, 2012 at about 8pm I proposed to Mr Wrong.

He said yes. In fact, as I got down on one knee and held his hands, he gushed in surprise and delight and gave me a big hug.

But let me take you back a few months to when I made the decision to propose. I was talking to a friend who had recently gone through a breakup. She was telling me about how it felt (apparently: not very good!), and everything sort of fell into place in my mind and at that moment I realised what I needed to do.

The feeling that really sticks with me is when Mr Wrong is up in Perth studying, and I'm at home on my own. When I'm in bed reading, I'll sometimes hear a noise and I'll look to the door of the bedroom hoping he's coming to join me. The feeling of disappointment when I remember he's in Perth is really awful. It's to the point where I've stopped sleeping in our bedroom when he's not home, instead watching Project Runway on our fold out couch.

That feeling - that need to be with him - is what made me decide to do it. The feeling I get when I look at him. The way he smiles. How we've both grown and changed as people, but that we've grown together. The fact that, even after all this time, we still love spending time together.

As a couple, we knew we were going to be together forever from very early on - at about the one year mark. It just worked. We clicked right from the start like with nobody before or since. Our goals align. Our attitudes align.

We're perfect together.

So we're getting married :)

The Constitution (FWB rules), In Full, Unabridged

I notice that I'm getting a few google search queries for my "Rules for Friends with Benefits" posts which is more of a commentary of the rules than a proper, full, unabridged list of the final rules.

I remember creating the rules (or The Constitution, as it was dubbed by me and 3) after being disappointed at the lack of similar things available online - so here is our list of rules, in full, for posterity.

These rules are unlikely to change in the future as me and the FWB who helped write them are no longer FWBs. They were successful in that we didn't fall in love, and I found the rules helping me avoid thinking about him in a romantic way. However, our friendship has taken a hit as a result of everything - but that's a risk we knew we were taking when we started.

Note that both of us were polyamorous/open relationship type people, which is why there are lots of references to outside sex partners - I understand that lots of FWB arrangements are made temporarily with the intention of being broken off once one of the pair gets nookie elsewhere, so hopefully nobody is copying and pasting these rules, sending them to someone else, and not reading through them.

***

0. The two editors of this google doc are in a FWB arrangement
0a. The sex will be completely uninhibited. If any of the following rules interfere with sex, ignore it.
0b. The friendship can be inhibited through these rules. This is by design.
0c. (corollary) The sex always comes first.

1. There will be no dates.
1a. A single FWB may ask an FWB to be a date to an event, work function, etc for the social purposes of looking good in front of others.
1b. An FWB who is in a relationship may ask an FWB to be a date if they had planned to attend something with their partner, but the partner cancelled at the last minute and attempts have been made to find a replacement that did not pan out. This rule only applies if the person doing the asking has already committed to attending the event (e.g. they bought tickets)
1c. A FWB who has agreed to go on a date in one of the above circumstances may cancel without notice.
1d. (tentative definition of “date”) Any meal where FWBs eat food alone prior to sexual activity counts as a date. Food courts are OK. Takeaway is OK. Home cooked meals are OK.

2. PDAs are bad.
2a. In all contexts
2b. Except if like we are at gunpoint and the gunman says “kiss or I will shoot you”, and even then don’t go overboard.

3. It is always appropriate to say "I don't care about the thing you're telling me about, stop talking about it." during conversations that are boring.
3a. Cross stitch and martial arts will therefore never be discussed for very long.
3b. Note that there are times when it's not appropriate to get someone to shut up.
3c. Conversations about the sex/arrangement are always appropriate, except in public.
3d. Conversations may be delayed if one partner does not feel like discussing it at that exact moment, if the parties are not physically present. It must be resolved esolved soon though.

4. Sending a text message “just to say I missed you” is NOT ok.
4a. Sending a dirty text message “just to say I missed that one thing you can do with your tongue” is VERY ok.

5.  Both parties should be as selfish as possible in the “friendship”.
5a. You cannot rely on them to come and pick you up when you have a flat tyre unless you have no other options or will have sex with them afterwards. This is to prevent the FWB being the first (or third) person you call when you are in a fix, which is dangerously close to relationship territory.
5b. However, we are still friends, so we can still be there for each other, discuss problems, etc.

6. Nobody is allowed to neglect a partner to be with FWB, or to go immediately from being out with their partner to a booty call.
6a. Scheduled sex visits (to fit into The Rambling Extrovert’s busy schedule) are an exception.

7. No sleepovers unless sex occurs.
7a. Exceptions are made for times in which someone is too drunk, tired, etc to get home on their own.
7b. For the purposes of this rule, sex is anything that two people do together with the intention of providing an orgasm for at least one of the parties.

8. Nobody can make demands or rules on how the other person acts (e.g. with regards to smoking, drinking, who one has sex with)

9. Intercourse must always use condoms. No exceptions. Fluid bonding is for relationships, not FWBs.

10. When leaving a FWB’s house, no goodbye kiss may occur.
10a. It is rarely, if ever, necessary to walk one’s FWB out to their car.

11. The heart emoticon <3 is not allowed.
11a. Not even if you use it to mean a tiny, pointy penis.

12. Parents are never introduced to a FWB in a girl/boyfriend context.
12a. If they happen to meet the FWB in another context, they are introduced either with no qualifier or with “friend”.

13. If more than a month passes with no sexual contact occurring between FWB, the parties will look at the arrangement and see if it shall continue.

14.There’s probably a point at which sexual contact is occurring too often which would also call a review of the arrangement.
14a. This frequency is to be determined at the time.

15. The FWB must always be informed of their FWB’s new sex partner after they’ve had sexual contact. This informing must be  done before the FWBs engage in sexual activity.
15a. Upon receipt of this information, the FWB may require different levels of protection during sexual activity.
15a. Permission, approval or prior notice isn’t needed for the FWB to take on another lover.
15b. Except if it’s like the FWB’s sister or something.
 
16. No faking of orgasms, feigning enjoyment, or lying about an FWB’s sexual prowess.
16a. Don’t be cruel, though.
16b. Unless that’s part of the scene.

17. (Optional) At the conclusion of the arrangement, conclusion sex should be had.
17a. Also maybe angry sex. In fact, angry sex should be had wherever possible.
17b. Unless the arrangement is concluding because of a monogamous relationship the FWB is in, then that’s wrong.

18. FWBs don’t buy gifts for FWBs, whether big (e.g. birthday/xmas) or small (e.g. one of those chocolate bars you like).
18a. Xmas/birthday/labor day sex is allowed, however.
18b. Gifts directly related to sex (dildos, whips, etc) are allowed.

19. The FWB arrangement will be kept a secret, on a “needs to know” basis.
19a. Needs to know is for close friends, people we discuss sex with, etc. Definitely not for aquaintances.
19b. The Rambling Extrovert is bad at keeping secrets that involve her getting laid.
19c. Many people have been told that the FWB arrangement has been called off due to lack of interest.

20. [personal; omitted]

21. FWBs are not allowed to sleep in the same bed two nights in a row.
21a. Sex two nights in a row is okay, but need to move to seperate beds afterwards.
21b. This rule is disregarded if sharing a bed two nights in a row is unavoidable (e.g. full house).

N. This is a living document and either party can change it at any time, but parties should be notified of major changes via text message, email or facebook message.

***

If you want a more blow-by-blow commentary of the rules, check out the following blog posts:

http://theramblingextrovert.blogspot.com.au/2012/01/list-of-rules-for-fwb-arrangement.html - discussing the initial state of the rules

http://theramblingextrovert.blogspot.com.au/2012/02/list-of-rules-for-fwb-relationship.html - discussing the rules after revision - that revision is close to, but not identical to, the rules printed here

If you want a blow-by-blow commentary in a more sexual sense, you might like this post: http://theramblingextrovert.blogspot.com.au/2012/01/friends-with-benefits.html

Who is Benefiting?

Well, me and 3 are no longer FWBs.

I've managed to put that down to three main things:

1. We were not sexually compatible
We talked a lot before we agreed to become FWBs and we realised were super compatible on paper. It turns out that being compatible on paper doesn't mean you're compatible in real life. And hell, we were even compatible all the way through third base. But the sex itself was dismal. It wasn't anyone's fault - it just didn't work out.

2. He did not want me as much as I wanted him
This part really is the sticking point. I pursued the guy for two months - he eventually came around. I wasn't terribly physically attracted to him, but that isn't something that matters to me. On the other hand, he BARELY found me attractive. I have short hair; he hates short hair. I was on the verge of being too fat for him (I'm 5'8", 70kg, so it was a reflection on his love for skinny girls than my size). If we were to have sex, I had to be the proactive one. I had to schedule an evening, make sure it fit in with him, and all the rest of it.

Mr Wonderful, on the other hand, is more than happy to go to bed with me whenever I want and makes passes at me with pleasing regularity. This contrast, not to mention my better sexual compatibility with Mr Wonderful, really opened my eyes to how things with 3 would be going if we actually should have been FWBs in the first place.

3. We liked the idea of being FWBs more than any other aspect of the arrangement
This is more the answer to "why didn't it end earlier?". We liked the idea of having FWBs. We liked the list of rules I linked to in an earlier post. We liked the attention. We especially liked being able to talk about it in front of other people and make them uncomfortable. But that's a stupid reason to continue a sexual relationship with someone.

Oh, and I was about as bad a person as it was possible to be in the way I ended it. I like to think I did it that way to put a wedge in between us that would prevent us from changing our minds; but in all honesty it was really because I'm a bitter person.

The Broken Refrigerator

The broken refrigerator analogy is something that really spoke to me when I first read about it.

The analogy goes like this:

Imagine you have a refrigerator. One day, it stops working - you come home to find your ice-cream melted, your milk warm and smelly, and your vegetables wilted.

You have three options at the moment: you can figure out how to fix the refrigerator; you can throw it away and buy a new one; or, you can decide to keep it as it is but never buy any foods that need to be frozen or refrigerated.

The last option is patently ridiculous; and yet it is the one most people in the poly community seem to choose. That is, when someone feels jealousy at their partner doing a particular thing, they make a rule against the thing rather than trying to find the cause of the jealousy.

The article I linked to above goes into LOTS of detail explaining it, and I would highly recommend it to anyone who hasn't already read it and is interested in polyamory or open relationships.

I had an experience the other day that made me think back to the refrigerator analogy:

Miss Prism was joking to a female friend of hers, asking her if she wanted to have a threesome with herself and my beloved Mr Oldman. Watching this happen in front of me made me seethe with jealousy - I wanted to be part of such a threesome, thankyouverymuch! I wanted to provide Mr Oldman with an outlet for that stock straight male fantasy!

It got to the point where I was going to pull them both aside and tell them I wouldn't be comfortable with Mr Oldman having a threesome unless I got to be a part of it, even though I knew this proposition was a joke and the chances of the threesome happening were almost nil.

Then I thought about the refrigerator. Clearly, this hypothetical refrigerator of ours was broken and I was about to propose he stop buying frozen foods. Really, I should try and fix it instead.

I thought about Mr Oldman. I imagined the joy on his face if this hypothetical threesome were to occur, and immediately felt a little bit of compersion at the idea. I imagined how wonderful that day would be and who would I be to take that away from him!

Then I thought about why I was feeling jealousy - it's because I wanted to do something nice for my partner. I wanted to make him happy. And him having a threesome with two other women wouldn't infringe on that; in fact, my making a rule against it would have been the exact opposite of what I really wanted!

So, Miss Prism - if you can get that threesome for Mr Oldman.... go for it :)

Jealousy and Compersion

As far as polyamory goes, I have been really 'fortunate' you could say, in that in all my relationships I was effectively the sole girlfriend and so was never confronted with jealousy head on. Mr Oldman has a girlfriend, but she lives in a foreign country so it didn't really affect me on a day-to-day basis. I tried my best to get Mr Wrong a girlfriend, to be a good wingman, but it hasn't panned out... at least not yet!

Then, Mr Oldman went on a couple of dates with one of my good friends. For some reason I want to give this friend the nickname "Miss Prism" after the character from The Importance of Being Earnest. I know she'll object to this, but I like it.

When they were on their date, I was spending the evening feeling super excited, wanting to know how well it was going, trying to imagine what was happening. The next morning I eagerly texted them both for details, and then I found out that Mr Oldman and Miss Prism both had a most delightful evening.

I felt jealous. I hadn't felt it before - at least for a long time. It was like a small thing squeezing my heart. It felt weird. I knew that this sort of thing is common and expected, even in poly relationships, so I tried to set it aside.

A few days later, I was visiting Mr Oldman in Perth and I asked him to tell me how the date went in detail. He gave me details from the dinner he cooked for Miss Prism, and even included some of the more saucy ones. As he told me the story of their date, that little squeezing feeling of jealousy evaporated so very quickly. Instead of it being an abstract feeling that he slept with somebody else, instead I had this beautiful feeling that he had this wonderful date with a great person. I had compersion in a big way. Let me be the first to say that compersion is AMAZING, almost on the level of new relationship energy. And the more details I was given, the stronger this feeling was.

I know details aren't for everyone. Mr Wrong hates me going into sexy details, but I think that's because I talk about my sex life so much that he knows he's going to hear me telling 3 or one of my other friends about it in short order anyway. But hearing Mr Oldman's sexy details made me feel so happy that I was glad he was willing to share :).

"Relationship Anarchy"

Several months ago, I heard a term called "relationship anarchy". At the time, I understood it to mean a different way of looking at relationships than "boyfriend", "husband", "best friend", "sister", "fwb" and so on. Instead, you have a relationship with everyone you know, and each relationship is unique with its own properties and levels of physical and emotional intimacy and committment don't necessarily map to one another in the 'traditional' sense.

Here's a couple of examples of the other sorts of relationships you might have:

• Someone who you sometimes kiss
• Someone you share all of your deepest, darkest secrets and ask for advice all the time, but have no physical relationship with.
• Someone you're in love with, never kiss, but sometimes go to bed with when you're both tipsy

I'm sure these are pretty poor examples - but the idea, at least as I understood it (and I may be understanding it wrongly), is that each relationship is a seperate entity and the standards for one do not affect the standards for the other, and labels like "boyfriend" have no meaning.

It's an interesting attitude to take when entering a new relationship - I asked my new squeeze, Mr Wonderful, out, and in response he said he didn't feel comfortable dating me but would be happy to be my FWB. We exchanged more information/ideas/impressions/expectations and realised that we both wanted the same things from one another, only I wanted to call it a romantic relationship and he wanted to call it an FWB arrangement. Neither term really described it adequately, so at the moment we're just not labelling it at all.

At the moment, the FWB label seems to fit better of the two but only marginally, and I'm convinced this is because our relationship is very physical at the moment because it's still such early days. Things with Mr Wonderful definitely feel different than things with 3. I think in the future other labels will get closer to describing it, and who knows, maybe one will stick.

But for now, there's not really any good way to describe our relationship other than Facebook's "It's Complicated".

This is really cool. It's really freeing.

New Relationship Energy and Rules

My secondary (how I loathe the term) boyfriend, Mr Oldman, has recently started being involved with a new girl. As a result, he's feeling this wonderful feeling that we in polyamory circles like to call "New Relationship Energy (NRE)". It's that feeling you get when you first get together with somebody, where you're checking your phone constantly for messages, thinking about them all the time and smiling to yourself, and unable to think about anything else and not wanting to.

(Aside: I, too, am at the beginning of a new relationship, so the two of us are both enjoying NRE for the first time since we began dating in September. This shit's addictive!)

Some background:  Mr Oldman and I are in a "medium distance" relationship. We live about two hours apart, and I see him most weekends. As a result, when I see him I get all excited and like to spend as much time as possible with him.

However, on a recent visit to see  Mr Oldman, he asked me if it would be OK if he spent the night with the new girl rather than me. I could relate to this because I was wanting to see my new squeeze as well, plus, I'd just recently heard  Mr Oldman talk about the wonderful night he'd spent with the new girl recently, and it made me feel so warm and fuzzy to hear about it, so who was I to refuse? And so they spent what I'm sure was another wonderful night together, and I stayed with my primary. (For the record, the following day my primary left me and my new beau alone for several hours, so I benefitted from a similar sort of arrangement).


The next day, the three of us (primary [Mr Wrong], secondary [Mr Oldman], myself) all went out for breakfast.  Mr Oldman  felt bad for blowing me off, but I legitimately understood perfectly the reasoning behind it. When you can't stop thinking about someone, it's kind of hard to pass up an opportunity to spend time with them. The feeling of NRE only lasts a couple of months at most, so it's important to take advantage of it while it exists. I told him as much.

Now, here is the part that I found really interesting: he said to me, "Let's make a rule that if you're visiting me, I have to spend time with you and not other people."

I gave him a look and said, "That's stupid. Let's make a rule that says 'do whatever you want (as long as it's not unfair)'. Most of the time, you're going to want to be with me on my visits; and times you don't want to be with me will be times you'd probably ask for an exception to be made to the rule anyway (you know, times like last night). So this would have the same effect but without any room for guilt tripping."

He agreed.

What makes a primary or a secondary?

In polyamory circles, people refer to "primary", "secondary", and even sometimes "tertiary" partners. Usually, a 'primary' is the person you've been dating the longest, though it's not uncommon for people to refer to having two primaries (usually someone who lives with both of them), and sometimes people who have recently broken up with a primary and are only pursuing more casual relationships with existing or new secondaries refer to to "being one's own primary".

So I thought it might be interesting to post my own take on the distictions - I am sure anyone who reads this will know that this tiny blog does not begin to speak for the poly community.

I think two people become primaries when they begin thinking about living their lives together (you know, the part of the relationship where you both know that if one of you proposes the other will say 'yes', but nobody's gotten down on one knee yet), which, according to hollywood and soap operas, more or less correlates with the 'moving in together' sort of stage.

I think that even monogamous people do this - they start out as secondaries, and then become primaries later on down the road. Just as you go from 'dating' to 'exclusive', a further step is taken where you become what I would call 'primaries'.

This meshes well with the way that poly people often seem to use "primary" and "secondary" - one's primary partner/s are those one lives with, has a family with, (possibly) raises children with, etc, whilst ones secondary/s tend to be in the "dating" spectrum somewhere.

I know there are many poly people who refer to having, say, a primary of 8 months and a secondary of 2 months; in my mind, depending on the seriousness of both relationships, they'd both fit more to what I feel a "secondary" might be to me.

I also feel like I should mention that I object to the implicit hierachy present in the terms "primary" and "secondary". Lots of people seem to use "SO" and "OSO" (significant other and other significant other), which I think is quite a bit nicer. SO and OSO seem to roughly correspond to the terms 'primary' and 'secondary', but in my opinion seem to be a little bit, well, fairer!

A List of Rules for an FWB relationship, revised

About two months ago I came up with some 'rules' for my relationship with 3, my FWB. We've since modified the rules somewhat and I feel the differences are worthy of discussion, particularly what lead us to decide to make these modifications.

I've decided not to publish the entire rule sheet in full in this document; instead, just the ones that have changed from the previous post have been published.

These rules are as of early Feburary 2011.

1. There will be no dates.
1a. A single FWB may ask an FWB to be a date to an event, work function, etc for the social purposes of looking good in front of others.
1b. An FWB who is in a relationship may ask an FWB to be a date if they had planned to attend something with their partner, but the partner cancelled at the last minute and attempts have been made to find a replacement that did not pan out. This rule only applies if the person doing the asking has already committed to attending the event (e.g. they bought tickets)
1c. A FWB who has agreed to go on a date in one of the above circumstances may cancel without notice.
1d. (tentative definition of “date”) Any meal where FWBs eat food alone prior to sexual activity counts as a date. Food courts are OK. Takeaway is OK. Home cooked meals are OK.

Comment: We have been very cautious about accidentally going on dates; we realised that the rule did not actually elaborate on what "counted" as a date, particularly because we would often eat together and hang out as friends prior to intimacy. We don't see any reason why this is a problem. This rule has been useful.

2. PDAs are bad.
2a. In all contexts
2b. Except if like we are at gunpoint and the gunman says “kiss or I will shoot you”, and even then don’t go overboard.

Comment: Ahaha! this rule has changed. The old rule said that there may be appropriate contexts for PDAs (Public Displays of Affections) between FWBs. This was my fault and my addition; I somehow thought that I might want to greet XY with kisses. I think the reason I had the attitude before was because it turns out 3 is a really great kisser and I wanted to potentially maximise my opportunities to experience this.

5.  Both parties should be as selfish as possible in the “friendship”.
5a. You cannot rely on them to come and pick you up when you have a flat tyre unless you have no other options or will have sex with them afterwards. This is to prevent the FWB being the first (or third) person you call when you are in a fix, which is dangerously close to relationship territory.
5b. However, we are still friends, so we can still be there for each other, discuss problems, etc.

Comment: You'd be surprised at how often this came up. Admittedly, it kind of sucks not to be able to do favours for one another at the drop of a hat; but the benefit of this rule is that it allows favours to be performed in exchange for sex, if both parties are willing. Which can be a win-win situation at times.

15. The FWB must always be informed of their FWB’s new sex partner after they’ve had sexual contact. This informing must be  done before the FWBs engage in sexual activity.
15a. Upon receipt of this information, the FWB may require different levels of protection during sexual activity.
15a. Permission, approval or prior notice isn’t needed for the FWB to take on another lover.
15b. Except if it’s like the FWB’s sister or something.

 Comment: This rule has changed. In an attempt to distance the FWB arrangement from my polyamorous arrangements with my boyfriends, I initially added a rule that FWBs need not be informed of new sex partners. This was stupid; sex is always risky thanks to pregnancy and STIs, and if 3 hooked up with a crack whore I would want to know about it. The friendship I have with 3 is very much centered on discussing our sex lives in great detail, though, so I never thought this would be an issue. However, it's a bad precedent to set, so the rule was changed to explicitly require knowledge of outside sex partners.

18. FWBs don’t buy gifts for FWBs, whether big (e.g. birthday/xmas) or small (e.g. one of those chocolate bars you like).
18a. Xmas/birthday/labor day sex is allowed, however.
18b. Gifts directly related to sex (dildos, whips, etc) are allowed.

Comment: This is a brand new rule! Fancy that. I added it because one of the ways I show my friends how I care about them is through buying gifts. I was noticing I was seeing things in the shops and thinking to myself "I should buy that for 3" the same way I do with my platonic friends and, of course, my boyfriends. I decided that in line with rule 0 (the friendship is inhibited by these rules) I would institute a blanket "no gifts" rule. This rule was more recently amended to allow sexual gifts to be bought for one another.

19. The FWB arrangement will be kept a secret, on a “needs to know” basis.
19a. Needs to know is for close friends, people we discuss sex with, etc. Definitely not for aquaintances.
19b. XX is bad at keeping secrets that involve her getting laid.
19c. Many people have been told that the FWB arrangement has been called off due to lack of interest.

Comment:  For 3's privacy and I guess my own, we're keeping things under wraps. 3's identity is known only to very few people, and still fewer know that we are actually still intent on continuing this whole sexing one another up thing. I guess this blog post kind of puts a wrench in that. If somehow the entire world was informed of 3's identity, it wouldn't exactly ruin our lives.

{rule 20 is stupid/silly/private and omitted}

21. FWBs are not allowed to sleep in the same bed two nights in a row.
21a. Sex two nights in a row is okay, but need to move to seperate beds afterwards.
21b. This rule is disregarded if sharing a bed two nights in a row is unavoidable (e.g. full house).

Comment:  Sharing a bed with somebody is an intimate activity - which is why there's a rule against sharing beds unless sex occurs. However, since I now live in a new town 2 hours south of where 3 lives, there will probably come a time where 3 stays over for a weekend for sex amongst other things. In order to allow lots of sex to occur but the bed-sharing intimacy to remain in check, this rule has been implemented.


I, of course, don't believe that these rules will magically stop me and 3 from falling in love and running away to Fiji together to set up a hot dog stand. However, it seems to be working so far and I very much like that my brain is used to seeing 3 in a unique way.


After all, our emotions and feelings for others are just the result of our brains doing their thing with various hormones being secreted having various effects. The more we try to spur our brains off of things that might lead to romantic feelings (which, when you get down to it, are just oxytocin or whatever the love hormone du jour is), the less chance this whole sex thing will have of going off the rails. I hope :)

A list of rules for a FWB arrangement

These rules were made on the 31st of October, 2011.

In line with yesterday's post, these will be edited, possibly reneged, and posted about three months after they were created.

As both FWBs are of a skeptical/scientific mindset, we've done our best to be rational about

In the ensuing months, I'll probably find out that half of the rules are shit. So in a fit of foresight I've set tomorrow's post aside for a discussion of these rules.

If my blog has become viral in the intervening months, and I now have thousands of commenters (as is my dream), do discuss which rules you think may change and why.
----

0. The two editors of this google doc are in a FWB arrangement
0a. The sex will be completely uninhibited. If any of the following rules interfere with sex, ignore it.
0b. The friendship can be inhibited through these rules. This is by design.
0c. (corollary) The sex always comes first.

1. There will be no dates.
1a. A single FWB may ask an FWB to be a date to an event, work function, etc for the social purposes of looking good in front of others.
1b. An FWB who is in a relationship may ask an FWB to be a date if they had planned to attend something with their partner, but the partner cancelled at the last minute and attempts have been made to find a replacement that did not pan out. This rule only applies if the person doing the asking has already committed to attending the event (e.g. they bought tickets)
1c. A FWB who has agreed to go on a date in one of the above circumstances may cancel without notice.


2. PDAs are bad.
2a. In the appropriate context, they are ok.
2b. There are probably very few, if any, appropriate contexts.


3. It is always appropriate to say "I don't care about the thing you're telling me about, stop talking about it." during conversations that are boring.
3a. Cross stitch and martial arts will therefore never be discussed for very long.
3b. Note that there are times when it's not appropriate to get someone to shut up.
3c. Conversations about the sex/arrangement are always appropriate, except in public.
3d. Conversations may be delayed if one partner does not feel like discussing it at that exact moment, if the parties are not physically present. It must be resolved soon though.


4. Sending a text message “just to say I missed you” is NOT ok.
4a. Sending a dirty text message “just to say I missed that one thing you can do with your tongue” is VERY ok.


5.  Both parties should be as selfish as possible in the “friendship”.
5a. You cannot rely on them to come and pick you up when you have a flat tyre unless you have no other options or will have sex with them afterwards. This is to prevent the FWB being the first (or third) person you call when you are in a fix, which is dangerously close to relationship territory.
5b. However, we are still friends, so we can still be there for each other, discuss problems, etc.


6. Nobody is allowed to neglect a partner to be with FWB, or to go immediately from being out with their partner to a booty call.
6a. Scheduled sex visits (to fit into an FWB's busy schedule) are an exception.


7. No sleepovers unless sex occurs.
7a. Exceptions are made for times in which someone is too drunk, tired, etc to get home on their own.
7b. For the purposes of this rule, sex is anything that two people do together with the intention of providing an orgasm for at least one of the parties.


8. Nobody can make demands or rules on how the other person acts (e.g. with regards to smoking, drinking, who one has sex with)


9. Intercourse must always use condoms. No exceptions. Fluid bonding is for relationships, not FWBs.


10. When leaving a FWB’s house, no goodbye kiss may occur.
10a. It is rarely, if ever, necessary to walk one’s FWB out to their car.


11. The heart emoticon <3 is not allowed.
11a. Not even if you use it to mean a tiny, pointy penis.


12. Parents are never introduced to a FWB in a girl/boyfriend context.
12a. If they happen to meet the FWB in another context, they are introduced either with no qualifier or with “friend”.


13. If more than a month passes with no sexual contact occurring between FWB, the parties will look at the arrangement and see if it shall continue.


14.There’s probably a point at which sexual contact is occurring too often which would also call a review of the arrangement.
14a. This frequency is to be determined at the time.


15. Other lovers must be informed of the FWB, but the FWB doesn’t necessarily need to be informed of the other lovers.
15a. Certainly permission isn’t needed for the FWB to take on another lover.
15b. Except if it’s like the FWB’s sister or something.


16. No faking of orgasms, feigning enjoyment, or lying about an FWB’s sexual prowess.
16a. Don’t be cruel, though.
16b. Unless that’s part of the scene.


17. (Optional) At the conclusion of the arrangement, conclusion sex should be had.
17a. Also maybe angry sex. In fact, angry sex should be had wherever possible.
17b. Unless the arrangement is concluding because of a monogamous relationship the FWB is in, then that’s wrong.

N. This is a living document and either party can change it at any time, but parties should be notified of major changes via text message, email or facebook message.

Friends with Benefits

NOTE: I wrote this post on 30th of October 2011. I've set this to automatically be posted in a few months, at which point there may be updates to this about how spectacularly it failed, or it could be going well still. Who knows, I might make more posts in this theme and schedule them to all be released one day after another. But at the time it was written, it seemed too personal to share with the internet, yet I do want it to be shared eventually, so here it is.

~~~~~~~~~

People say friends with benefits can't work.

I have no fucking clue whether this is true; all I know is I have a very sexy friend (3, as I shall call him) who has completely complementary sexual desires to me.


I went to his place for what was going to be an entirely platonic sleepover, or so I assumed. I was, of course, secretly hoping there'd be more to it - and there was a reasonable chance of that, since we'd made a conscious decision to make our friendship more physical and even gone so far as to set a date for the sex. There's a facebook event for it (really!).

So, after a sexual tension filled night of Skyping with a friend of ours (in his bedroom and in fact in his bed for most of the time), both of us secretly hoping something would happen, longing glances shared before self-consciously looking away.

We moved onto google hangout, and after a while it borked and he handed me his phone and said "see if you can get it working again" when that was the last thing on my mind. Then all of a sudden he kissed me and it was the sweet feeling of release.

Then, of course, my mobile rang; out of reflex I ceased the kissing and answered it but immediately regretted it. It was the friend we were Skyping with wanting to know what happened. I answered the phone with a very annoyed "do you know what you just interrupted?!".


Nerves and self-consciousness meant the kissing wasn't going to restart any time soon; we just lay cuddled together in bed, talking about who knows what.

It was interesting how different the vibe of the relationship was when compared with the one I have with my boyfriends. The sexcapades were done in a very platonic way that was yet rather lustful. The compliments we made to one another's bodies or sexual techniques were friendly and not in the least bit romantic.

Of course, the hormones make you feel things and have attitudes of affection that aren't normal for a friendship, but as long as you're aware of them and appreciate the feelings are a natural byproduct of endorphins and whatnot you can enjoy them "responsibly".

The new relationship energy has now made me fixated on 3, which is good as it's taking away from the pain of not being able to see N more than once a week while he works on his thesis. I'm mostly fixated on 3 from the sexual conquest angle, though - I was pursuing this guy for several months to get to this point, and it seems to be working out.

However, I'm going to end up way too exhausted from all of this. I'm going to look forward to the time when the NRE wears off and hopefully only the sexual things will remain. Because handling three regular sex partners - let alone three regular activity partners who I need to go on dates with etc - is going to be difficult.

Fortunately, me and 3 have agreed that we want to stabilise in a "once every month or so" sexual frequency which will be far easier to manage.

Now, we just need to begin by having sex once....